When Bella Met Thor

When first I heard that Kristen Stewart was going to be in a Snow White movie with Chris Hemsworth, I laughed. I figured that she'd be playing exactly the same character as she did in the one Twilight movie that I watched (in my defence, I had no clue what the series was at that time other than it was 'about vampires'); a poorly-acted portrayal of a female non-enity who alternated between looking mildly concussed and biting her lip in a doomed attempt to convey some form of emotion.


Turns out I was right.

Well, why mess with a winning formula?

Hemsworth, though - I was surprised by that. Since his portayal of Thor in, um, Thor (oh, and a little movie called The Avengers), Hemsworth has stepped thoroughly into action hero territory, and I'd have suspected he would not now be interested in playing second-fiddle to one of the most lambasted young actresses of our generation.

Turns out I was wrong.

So, I just swap the hammer for an axe, but keep the hair and beard?

Awesome, that means I don't need to grow them again for the next Marvel movie.

But let's leave aside the acting chops (or lack thereof) and focus on the movie itself. Snow White & The Huntmans is the bare bones of the old Snow White tale, taken and... well, I don't know exactly what they did to it, and I watched the damn thing. I don't even know what they were trying to do with it, except make a boatload of cash. But anyway, Charlize Theron plays a witch-queen person who waltzes into a kingdom, seduces the widowed king, kills him that night and takes over the place, then imprisons Snow White in a tower. So says the narrator, who has an accent that reminds me ever-so-strongly of the vocals from Turisas' cover of 'Rasputin' by Boney M.

Oh, those Russians...

No, don't ask me why he sounded Russian (possibly) when every character in the movie sounds English. Well, except Hemsworth, he's Irish. And a drunkard. Subtle, that.

I could talk about the good acting. Hemsworth, for example, is just as good as the nameless Huntsman as he is as Thor, mastering an Irish accent (he even grunts in an Irish accent) and veering appropriately between surly, gruff, angry, earnest and sorrowful. Then there are the Dwarves, where a number of 'name' English actors (Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Bob Hoskins, Nick Frost and a few more than I recognised but couldn't put a name to) had their faces digitally projected onto smaller bodies, a few months before Peter Jackson comes back with The Hobbit and blows the entire 'band of dwarves' thing out of the water. Of these, Hoskins has the weakest lines as the elderly blind dwarf and responds by delivering them with no attempt at feeling; Ian McShane is as good as ever however, while Ray Winstone plays Ray Winstone with the same effortless ease that he has all his life.

"What're the odds on you winning Best Supporting Actor, Ray?"

"Fuck off."

Then there is the bad acting. Charlize Theron isn't helped by some appalling dialogue, but her screaming, scenery-chewing pantomime villainess lacks any sort of subtlety, and reminds me of Bavmorda from Willow (remember that?). And of course there's Kristen Stewart, pretty much the only other actress in the movie, who struggles along being mainly helpless in the first part of the movie, only to become reborn as some sort of armour-plated Joan of Arc type in the last bit, a role in which she is about as convincing as Wayne Rooney's hairline. However, for all her faults, it's not Stewart's fault that this movie is so utterly odd. That lies squarely with the writers.

Is this an action movie? YES! It has swords and axes and fights and a troll and assaults on a castle and (some) blood. Is this a fairy story? YES! It has a troll and dwarves (like, a separate race of gold-mining humanoids, not humans with a malfunctioning pituitary gland) and fairies and sorcery and some weird stag with branches for antlers. Is this a romance movie? YES! William, the Duke's son, is still in love with Snow White from childhood, and the Huntsman starts to fall for her as well, maybe, kind of. Also, Snow White kisses William, or who she thinks is William, but that's actually Queen Rivana in disguise. So actually, Kirsten Stewart kisses Charlize Theron. I reckon that's made a bunch of people happy.

The point is, the movie doesn't know what it is, and its attempts to be convincing simply lead to it falling down in other areas. Take Snow White, for example - she escapes from her tower and when she opens the door to the outside world she shrinks back from the sunlight, because she's only used to darkness. Fine, that works. Then she escapes through a sewer and jumps out into the sea and swims to shore. Right. So, cooped up in a tower since she was about eight or so, and then ten years later she can swim through crashing waves rather than go "oops, actually I never learned how to swim, or if I did I forgot by now, also I'm not exactly in the best of physical health here due to my poor muscle tone, glub, bye" and drown. And do this in a flowing dress, no less. Then there's the fact that all animals love her. That really is straight out of a Disney movie; two magpies show her where to find the loose nail that she uses to injure the Queen's brother and escape, then guide her to a handsome white horse that just happens to by laying down minding its own business by the sea and has no qualms about her jumping on and riding it.

Basically, these are the guerilla warfare experts of the natural world.

Not that the horse fares well out of this deal, mind you - she gets chased by evil Queen's Men on their barded black horses (all the bad people dress in black. The only black man in the movie works for the evil Queen. In case you didn't know that black = evil, this movie will guide you) and her horse runs into a bog, where it throws her off, then drowns why she reaches out powerlessly to save it. Poor old horse was just laying down, enjoying the sea air, when this girl comes along and jumps on it and rides it TO ITS DEATH. Nice one Snow White, you heartless bitch.

Oh, also, the troll? She stares it down and it goes all soppy and stops trying to kill her and the Huntsman. Dwarf-Hoskins babbles on about her being "life itself!" and the whole thing is so stupid. You seriously can't get away with that sort of shit in a movie these days, not unless it's a cartoon Disney job where the heroine sings a duet with a little bird or something.

However, all this pales in comparison to the poisoned apple/kiss/zombie-warrior-Snow-White finale. After a bit of Fellowship Of The Ring-style wandering in the wilderness with the Huntsman, William and the Dwarves, she gets tricked into eating a poisoned apple by the Queen (who flew there as a crow, or crows, or something), but the Queen gets interrupted by Huntsman and William before she can cut Snow White's heart out. Now, Snow White is the only one who can kill the Queen, because of her 'fairest blood', or some such shit. What the hell this means, I have no real idea, but I think it's because she's pretty (so says the mirror on the wall). Certainly, the only other women in the movie have deliberately scarred their own cheeks because that way they're of 'no use' to the Queen, who it seems abducts and sucks the life from pretty women to stay young (we see her doing it to one girl in a very Dementor-esque manner). This in itself pisses me off, because the inherent message is "unless you're pretty, you're fuck all use to the world". However, if Queen Rivana holds Snow White's beating heart in her hands then all her problems will go away and she'll be forever young, as she'll have killed the only one fairer than her! "Immortality," breathes Theron, "immortality forever!"

Um, yes. That's sort of what 'immortality' means, you know?

Anyway, despite the fact that only Snow White can kill her, Rivana turns into a murder (haha) of crows and flies away from William and the Huntsman, when actually she could have quite easily just killed them both and got on with things. So Snow White is dead, or in a coma, or... hell if I know, no-one ever says. But they finally get her to William's dad's castle where she lies in state. Now, William has already kissed her, he kissed her as soon as she 'died'. Nothing happened. Put her in the castle, Huntsman gets drunk, rambles a bit about how she reminds him of his wife, then kisses her.

She wakes up.

WHY?

Let's make this clear, there is no indication that she's anything other than dead, at this point. OK, so you know the story, you think she's in a coma or under a spell, some sort of suspended animation so Queenie can do her open heart surgery without Snowy thrashing around, fine. Regardless, why the hell is it the Huntsman who breaks the spell!? Or jolts her out of the coma, or brings her back from the dead, or whatever. Is it the alcohol on his breath? Is he actually Thoros of Myr? Did he shove a couple of defibrillating pads onto her out of camera shot? Nothing, no explanation, not even Hoskins trotting out something like "true love it must be, yes, hmm".

Even worse, Snow White then wanders out into the courtyard of the castle where everyone looks astounded and gives the most appalling rousing speech I have ever seen or heard in my life. About the only thing I can remember is something about iron melting and "I will be your weapon!"

"Stand back, I'm going to act at them!"

And everyone just falls to their knees and goes "Okay then, zombie girl!" or similar. I guess she's a princess, and eccentric behaviour is expected from royalty, but coming back from the dead goes a bit far, surely?

Anyway, off they trot for the Inevitable Final Confrontation, this being an action movie (possibly) and all. Snow White leads an assault on her father's castle with William and the Huntsman by her side. She's in armour, William's in armour, the Huntsman don't need no stinkin' armour because he's that badass, or something. Rivana lets her come, because she still wants to eat Snow White's heart. And so they have their final confrontation and Rivana bitchslaps her about a bit and then goes to stab her in the chest (um, breastplate? She's still wearing her armour) but Snow White BLOCKS using a move that the Huntsman taught her right when they first met, and stabs the evil queen right back, and Rivana dies. Because it's not the knife that matters, it's the person holding the knife, and this person happens to be prettier than anyone else and so everything she does is made of awesome. Maybe?

In the process of this, Snow White has gone from being a gentle-hearted soul who couldn't harm anyone (well, except the Queen's brother) and who told the Huntsman that she could 'never do that' with regard to stabbing someone, to a fiery swordswoman who happily cuts down guards on the way to  killing the Queen. Although she sheds a tear after killing Rivana, so presumably that makes it all OK.

Finally, Snow White is crowned. Her sceptre is some sort of tree branch, because she's practically nature incarnate, yo. And everyone goes "HAIL!" and William smiles and the Huntsman pops up at the back of the hall and smiles and... the movie ends.

For crying out loud. Even a Disney movie gives the audience a romantic payoff. The only kisses that happen in the movie are a brief one where she thinks she's kissing William but it's actually Rivana in disguise, and Hemsworth's borderline necrophilia to revitalise her. I mean, I really don't go and see movies for romance, I go to see them for action and explosions or comedy or preferably all of the above plus some nudity, but if you're going to tease a romance then at least have the balls to follow through and deliver. But of course, if she gets with the Huntsman then what's William's actual *point* in the movie? Plus, Hemsworth is clearly meant to be far older. If she gets with William then why is it Hemsworth's kiss that revitalises her rather than William's? The movie seems to have avoided this conundrum by simply ignoring it.

Out of five stars, I give 'Snow White & The Huntsman' the score of 'fish'. Because it's only fitting that the score has as much relation to the scoring system as this movie does to cinematography.