Went to see that new Sherlock Holmes film last night and, given how much fun I had blathering on about The Immortals, thought I'd do some sort of half-arsed review of it.
It's strange in that it lifts a lot of stuff from the first film, yet also completely ignores parts that you'd have thought might be the most important to it. For example, Holmes following Irede Adler in a disguise; Watson calling on Holmes and finding him to be in a state bordering on the psychotic, with the landlady being distressed and angry; "The Savoy? Your/my favourite"; and Holmes tucking into his dinner at the Savoy without his dining partner(s) (Watson and Mary in the first, Adler in the second). This of course leaves aside the slow motion/fast motion camerawork during the action sequences or Holmes' pre-planning of events, but those are more stylistic things unique to the franchise (as such we must now think of it), and it is to be expected that Ritchie would have brought them out again. I'm talking about plot events, to an extent that the first part of the film feels a little like you're watching the first all over again, just in a slightly different order.
The things that are missing (as Holmes would surely tell us) are even more important than the things that are present, however. Firstly, Professor Moriarty (played with sinister viciousness by Jared Harris) never displays the spring-loaded pistol which he put to Holmes' head and which he used to killed that policeman at the end of the first movie (small caliber bullet, powder burns on the eyebrows). It was a nice little device, a little steampunky, and completely absent here for no discernible reason. Secondly, and more glaring - there was no mention of the remote control trigger that Moriarty took after killing that policeman. None. Nada. No mention, no sign, no sight, NOTHING. Lest we forget, this was shown to be the entire purpose of Moriarty's exploits in the first film. If you're going to go to the trouble of creating an entire movie about this criminal mastermind's efforts to obtain such a device and set up a sequel in the process, at least mention the damn thing in the bloody sequel.
So, enough of such continuity frivolities. What of this movie as a stand-alone work? Does it engage, does it convince, does it entertain? The answer is, by and large, yes... until you stop and think for a second. If you make that mistake, even for a second, you're a bit screwed because while the scope of this movie is greater than the first, so is its margin for error.
The plot, focusing on Moriarty's attempts to destabilise Europe and profit from the carnage by buying up everything that would be used in a war (wait, wasn't that the plot of League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, more or less? It was? Well I never) rattles along at a breakneck speed once we've got past the extended opening ceremony of "this is why you won't see much of Rachel McAdams in this film" and drags the viewer along with it so fast that you can barely catch your breath. So fast, in fact, that Holmes' leaps of deduction and logic occur so fast and furiously that you kind of sit there going "Huh? Oh... well... okay then", and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing because you're failing to appreciate it or technically a good thing because there's actually not much logic there and if you have time to analyse it then you'll realise that. Certainly, things like Holmes and Watson determining that because a piece of paper is thicker than usual and has a wine stain on it then it must have come from a printing press in a wine cellar appears to ignore the fact that wine is a quite widely-spread beverage, and may sometimes be found outside of the cellars in which it is stored, and indeed get spilled on things. Likewise, Holmes noting the 'telltale signs' of a secret passage in said wine cellar appeared ridiculous to me ("hmm, that spots of blood's from someone cutting themselves sawing wood, that bit of wine is from where they clinked their glasses together in celebration of a job well done", etc etc).
Then we have the complete logic fails in the plot. I'm certain there were ones in the original, although I can't think of many offhand aside from the usual failure of bad guys to kill Holmes when they could have done, instead electing to talk to him and allow him to find a way to escape. However, I am truly, truly puzzled by any arms factory that regularly stores its large-scale ordinance with shells loaded. That seems like a risky procedure to me, and certainly runs contrary to any health and safety legislation, even nineteenth-century ones. I'm also displeased by Moriarty's failure to get his marksman to kill Holmes; he's far too intelligent to leave such an opponent alive, surely? What's more, Watson at one point rescues Holmes from Moriarty's clutches and a quick search of the wreckage would turn up the Professor, at which point Watson (whose honeymoon had been interrupted by he and his wife being shot at by Moriarty's men) could have put a bullet in Moriarty's head or stabbed him with his swordstick, then got the hell out of Dodge. Instead he grabs Holmes and they flee; why not take a few more seconds and off the criminal mastermind? No-one's going to catch you for it, and you at least are convinced of his guilt. This is where we need Rorscharch, you see. Also, the cossack waiting in the rafters. Why wait so long? Why pretend to die? Why not drop down and do your business before the interfering Englishman turns up?
Another plot point that really bugged me was the climactic scene at the end. Without wishing to give too much away, it's a good scene but it doesn't work too well in the grand scheme of the movie. If you stop and think about it, the side plot about Noomi Rapace's gypsy fortune teller and her brother really doesn't make much sense at all. It's like someone decided that they needed a female in it (why I don't know, as Watson's married and Holmes was only ever going to be interested in Adler) and then needed a reason for it, rather than her character being called for by the plot. That said, once she was in it then seems that the scriptwriters had to come up with a way to prevent her from making things too easy for Holmes and Watson, including casually throwing in the invention of advanced plastic surgery about a century ahead of its time.
I am going to take a moment here to ponder on Stephen Fry. I like Stephen Fry, I genuinely do. He is a wonderful presenter, personality and comedian, and a thoroughly intelligent and worthy man. However, he's not an actor. He's a comedian and a writer. His level of acting is the General Melchett variety; basically, Stephen Fry but rather more so. As a result, despite my liking for him, he was completely the wrong choice to play Mycroft Holmes. This is a movie, a big, Hollywood movie with an otherwise thoroughly respectable cast and played with drama, if not exactly pathos. It seriously did not need Stephen Fry in there playing Stephen Fry, which appeared to be simply an excuse to shove in some cringe-worthy campy humour. Besides which, Mycroft is meant to be the uber-Holmes - he's far more intelligent than his brother. Fry plays Mycroft as a buffoon. Also, he looks nothing like Robert Downey Jnr and they didn't even try to make them resemble each other at all. I don't care that he's a national treasure; it's the equivalent of making another movie with Morgan Freeman's character from 'Se7en' and putting Eddie Murphy in it as his brother (only Eddie Murphy would probably do a more convincing job).
Apart from Fry, the acting's good. Downey Jnr puts in another startlingly brilliant performance as Holmes, managing to convey the single-minded intellect and social awkwardness of Baker Street's most famous resident in one hyperactive, wild-eyed package. If it's sometimes played for laughs, that's no real bad thing because both the character and the characterisation can stand it. Jude Law's Watson is equally good; more down-to-earth and serious and an excellent foil for Downey Jnr to play off, and if anything the more important part of the pairing. Holmes is the visionary, the exceptional man who is not connected to the real world, the world of you and I; Watson is our contact, the man who understands Holmes enough to see what he's getting at but is still close enough to us for us to sympathise with him. A movie of watching Holmes would be entertaining but distant; a movie of watching Watson deal with Holmes makes us understand what it would be like to be friends with a person so extraordinarily our superior in so many ways, yet completely unable to take comfort in the small things that make us human.
Then there's Jared Harris as Moriarty. He's excellent. From the moment you meet him, this portrayal of the Professor is downright scary. Harris presents a monster with no morals or qualms; the ultimate realisation of Holmes, if you will, with all the intelligence, none of the good intentions yet with the ability to integrate smoothly into society in a way completely beyond his adversary. If Holmes is meant to be (as I've seen suggested elsewhere) some sort of high-functioning autistic, Moriarty is surely the classic psychopath. The brilliant final touch on the Professor is when, near the end of the movie, you see him pre-planning the upcoming struggle in the exact same way as Holmes. "Come now, do you think you're the only one who can play this game?" Chilling.
In some form of loose conclusion, then; the acting's great (except for Stephen Fry), the plot's alright (if a bit derivative), and the details let it down (if you can catch your breath long enough to think about them) but although the climax to the Holmes/Moriarty scene at the end should have been obvious to anyone who's read the books as soon as they saw the waterfall, it was well done. I'm glad I went to see it, but I just feel that with a little bit more care and rather less campy humour, it could have been even better than the first.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Immortals: a rambling review
I thought I'd turn this disused blog to another purpose, mainly because I feel like getting down my feelings about new the new loosely-based-on-Greek-mythology film, Immortals. Expect spoilers.
First of all, a young woman awakens from a dream, surrounded by her three friends on a circular sleeping mat. She's an oracle, you see. She's just seen someone in a pointy hat and with a golden mask using a glowing bow to destroy a cage holding a group of feral-looking blokes arranged in rows with their teeth clamped on iron bars - sort of like table footballers, really. She says that this is King Hyperion using the Epirus bow to free the Titans. Fine, okay, except that in Greek mythology Hyperion WAS a titan (the Lord of Light, as it happens), so I'm not sure what's going on there. Apparently Hyperion's coming for her - Mickey Rourke then storms into the temple, talks about how the gods did nothing when his wife and child died of a disease and sets a priest on fire, Hyperion clearly following the Henry VIII method of religious revolution.
We then get John Hurt's voice. Apart from setting my wife giggling because he apparently narrates the 'Merlin' TV series as a dragon, John Hurt is generally a good starting point. He lends an air of gravitas and a gentle assurance that not everyone in this film is going to be American. He tells us that the immortals found out they could kill each other one day and war broke out. The winners of that war called themselves gods, and banished the losers (titans) into a prison below Mount Tartarus. Now, those of you who think as I do might ponder upon this. Were I the winner of a war who'd just found out that he could kill his enemies, I might actually kill my defeated enemies instead of putting them into a prison. I mean, that's what we were fighting about in the first place, right? I'm not sure. Anyway, that's what the gods did, which is just the first of many mistakes they'll make over the course of this film.
Then we move to a village on a cliffside somewhere, where we meet Theseus, aka Henry Cavill showing off his six pack and an English accent you could use to cut glass. He's the son of an unmarried woman apparently, not like the Theseus in Greek mythology who was the son of a king and a god, I believe (both slept with his mother in one night, because that's how biology works). He's talking to John Hurt, playing yet another Aged Counsellor figure and suggesting that Theseus should have a kid. Theseus then meets his mother as she emerges from the Labyrinth which is something to do with where his village store their dead (so they can't find their way out? Sounds sensible to me). Theseus points out that he's not religious and that the priest has a most ridiculous hat, which he certainly does. This is the first of another theme in this movie; stupid hats.
People talk about Hyperion coming. Why he's going to bother coming to a little village on a cliff I don't know, because he's looking for the Epirus bow and there's no chance of it being HERE, surely? Also, Theseus gets annoyed at a soldier (Lysander) calling his mother a whore and beats him up, then turns down the sergeant's offer of employment. To be fair, if I was offered a job with an organisation who showed that level of employee protection I might do the same. Lysander is removed from his office, because badmouthing a peasant's mother and then being beaten up is apparently a firing offence in the Greek military. Then John Hurt is revealed to be Zeus as he wanders around in the darkness and turns into Orlando Bloom in a stupid god number, who talks to his daughter Athena, also in gold. Neither of them are wearing hats that are particularly ridiculous, lucky them. Athena says that Zeus has been influencing Thesus, but Zeus says no, only as a human, his friend, not as a god. I guess that's alright then, since there seems to be some sort of law against the latter.
Lysander decides to kill the village's sentries and heads off to be a traitor to Hyperion, who's not really interested in him, so gets his 'beast' (a huge man in a barbed wire bull helmet) to claw his face to mark him as a coward, then castrate him with a mallet - sort of like Ancient Jackass, I guess. Then Hyperion turns up at the village anyway and kills pretty much everyone, including Theseus's mother in front of him. Theseus is strong enough to be a threat, so he's put to work in the salt mines. Up on Olympus, Zeus warns all the other gods not to interfere in mortal affairs. Someone asks 'what if Hyperion finds the Epirus bow and frees the titans', at which Zeus looks appropriately grim but doesn't answer.
In the salt mines, Theseus encounters a few characters who scream 'quirky but loyal companions', as well as the four oracle girls who are there for no apparent reason whatsoever, having been captured. The real oracle (the other three are there to hide her identity) trips over Theseus and gets a vision of the future. Him holding the Epirus bow and embracing Hyperion, with a wave over him and a wrapped up body on a rock in front of him.
Let's hold here a second. The oracle of the god has seen a vision saying that this man will find the bow, the thing that Hyperion is after and that can release the titans from their prison, something which might spell the end of the gods that she worships (maybe they've flabby and out of shape? After all, the titans are there because they lost, unless I'm remembering wrong). Now, the oracle girls are revealed to have knives and to know how to use them - they kill some guards for the real oracle to lead an escape in a few minutes. Were I her, however, the first target for my blade would be Theseus BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO FIND THE FUCKING BOW, THEN HUG HYPERION. Instead she gives him water to keep him alive and makes sure he escapes with them.
Off they trot, then, to the coastline. They try to hijack a boat but it proves to have a load of Hyperion's soldiers in it. Things look bad for the companions, but then Poseidon leaps out of Olympus and crashes into the sea to send a tidal wave that washes away the soldiers. Let us pause a moment to look at Poseidon's choice of headwear:
http://www.altfg.com/Stars/photo-actors-k/kellan-lutz-poseidon-immortals.jpg
Seriously, what's going on there? It looks like Jean Paul Gaultier tried designing a new head protector for Petr Cech and then discarded the design for being too tacky. If I wore a hat like that, I'd be sorely tempted to jump into the sea.
Meanwhile, Hyperion has the oracle's three friends who aren't being helpful, but he sends other people off to Theseus's old village because they have a temple there, or something. Dude, you've just been there.
So, Theseus has escaped certain death due to a god's intervention. Right, we'll give him a free pass for that one. The oracle, having gained credence because she told them what to do with the incoming wave that she saw in her vision, then tells Theseus he must go back and bury his mother (that's the body she saw on the rock in front of him). Theseus heads off like a good little boy and gets back to his village, where he goes into the Labyrinth and pushes her into place, then decides to take a hammer and chisel to a rock and PULLS OUT THE FUCKING EPIRUS BOW.
Well, whoops.
Then the 'beast' turns up and tries to kill Theseus, but Theseus kills him. I like that. Took the minotaur myth but instead of it being a half-human, half-bull offspring of a Minoan lady who built a wooden cow to lie inside to seduce the White Bull, her island's cow-shaped sea god (seriously, look it up. It's like the x-rated Trojan Horse), it's a massive bloke in a bull helmet. I like how they tried to show how a myth could grow from that, like at the end of Troy where Achilles has pulled out all the arrows except the one in his heel, which gave rise to the myth that he was immortal everywhere except there. However, in this film it makes fuck all sense BECAUSE THERE ARE THE GODS IN THEIR STUPID HATS.
Anyway, Theseus gets out, finds more soldiers threatening his friends and shoots them all with the Epirus bow. Let's pause another moment and examine the Epirus bow, shall we?
4301439194_ca5e2a8356.jpg
Yup, that's pretty much what it looks like. Seriously, you couldn't do better than rip off an 80s cartoon that was in itself a cheap attempt to cash in on a geeky game's brief popularity?
Anyway, he now has the Epirus bow, the thing that Hyperion can use to free the titans. Personally, I'd have broken the bloody thing over my knee and then laughed at Mickey's sad face, but I'm not hero material. Instead Theseus and his mates head off to find the Hyperion to kill him, but not before Theseus FUCKS THE VIRGIN ORACLE. And her 3D arse. She says she wants to see the world through her own eyes, love with her own heart, touch with her own flesh, etc. What she really means is she's had enough of being important and valued for her own merits, and is now ready to be nothing but a bit of arm candy for a six-packed peasant with an incongruous accent. Thus ends the only slightly positive female character in the film.
They get to Hyperion's base at the Oracle's former temple, but Hyperion's packed up and headed off for where the rest of the Greek army are based. They find the Oracle's former sisters in a metal bull heated over fire, all burned up and uglified; this desecration of holy flesh apparently drives the priest who's been taking along into a state of madness (dude, Theseus just fucked your oracle into uselessness, these girls were just her cover, this was in effect their job, to take the shit so she could remain free and oracle-y). He runs down into the nearby quarry with a sword, even though Theseus and the Loveable Thief shout "it's a trap!" Well Theseus, in that case, why not shoot the people down there in that NICE, OPEN QUARRY with your ALMIGHTY BOW? No? No, you'll run down after the priest, get blindsided and then have Hyperion's trained hyena (seriously, that just made Hyperion the hero for me, I love hyenas) snatch the bow and leg it.
Theseus is about to get killed, but Hermes appears and kills all Hyperion's men, then Athena appears and gives him a couple of horses that will run 'until their hearts give out', because the gods are big up on animal welfare. Then Zeus appears, mad that his edict has been defied (hey Orli, Poseidon already did it once, did you miss that?). So he kills Hermes. Let's take a look at Hermes' hat, shall we?
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGj7g9Ul2gWn0IAQ6D8HO7UeerbN8H8zbc5-2bBvbmJMpBaAEH7YwAt1c3Q4oWnbhorxS6YeS4ZvUWzlguUFv3oloSiiy-4mBwa2C1xxxo0VX54ZHFJxsTTE-yXQjYIU9UD5JZHxb1q017/s1600/Immortals-Movie-Poster-1.jpg
That's one hell of a mohawk.
Zeus doesn't kill Athena though, because... hell if I know, I think he fancies her, and she's his daughter. Still, this is Greece. Anyway, Theseus and the Loveable Thief and the Now-Useless Oracle head off to where the Greek 'army' is (and the horses do die. Lovely). Hyperion gets the bow and is chuffed. The Greek leader ignores Theseus's advice to 'close the gate', and then Hyperion wanders up under an olive branch of peace and wants Theseus to join his army. Theseus says no and closes the gate anyway, which Hyperion promptly blows in with the Epirus bow the next morning and everyone starts fighting in the entrance tunnel... a tunnel with loads of hallways off it. Nice going, Greeks.
Oh, when Hyperion is blowing up the gate? He too wears a silly hat. The silliest of the lot, in fact:
immortals_hyperionattacksclip_hd.jpg
Yes, that's a giant crab claw on his head. Maybe he's advertising seafood? I really don't know.
Hyperion wanders merrily away from the battle in the tunnel up to where the Greek leader is and kills him, then on into Mount Tartarus. Theseus and the Loveable Thief follow him, presumably cursing the Greek leaders who decided to build an entrance tunnel with multiple ways for opposing leaders to get out of the way of the fighting and to where they want to go. They get into Mount Tartarus after him, just too late to prevent Hyperion from freeing the titans. Then Loveable Thief gets the bow and kills one titan before the rest swarm him, and then the gods appear looking pissed off and with weapons. Zeus tells Theseus to get after Hyperion, which he does.
Theseus and Hyperion scrap, and basically kill each other. The gods and the titans fight and all the gods are killed except Zeus, who grabs handles, pulls chains and collapses Mount Tartarus in on the titans, then grabs Athena/her corpse and disappears skywards. And then in the aftermath we're told that because of Theseus's bravery the gods gave him a song (see, the Oracle DID have a use afterwards! She was a womb for the hero's seed!).
Don't get me wrong, Immortals was a relatively entertaining film to watch. Mickey Rourke made an excellent antagonist, with an understandable motive and an appealing efficiency to his work, but also a callous brutality that made him easily dislikeable. Cavill's portrayal of Theseus was engaging, with enough easy charm to get behind him a bit but without being wet. Even Orlando Bloom didn't mess up being Zeus. However, the hats made the entire thing rather ridiculous, as did the Hank Bow. However, what I really want to draw attention to is the plot.
In conclusion: The Gods imprisoned their ancient enemies rather than killing them. The Oracle saved the life of the man she saw would find the thing that could release the Titans, and as a result of her advice Theseus went back to his village and found it, instead of it remaining hidden. He then didn't break it into pieces, but instead took it to where he thought Hyperion was. When Hyperion wasn't there, he allowed it to be captured. Hyperion then wandered through a badly-thought out defensive construct and freed the Titans. The Gods came down, got themselves killed, and Zeus collapsed Mount Tartarus on them while Hyperion and Theseus killed each other.
The Gods saved Theseus's life, directly, twice. Zeus himself spent twenty years or so grooming the young man into a warrior. Yet without Theseus, they'd have been fine! Hyperion would have never found the bow! Even if he HAD, Theseus didn't do anything to stop him releasing the Titans. He got there too late, all he managed was to kill Hyperion afterwards. Zeus had to collapse Mount Tartarus to stop them (hint: if that stops them, why not collapse Mount Tartarus on them in the first place, if you didn't want to just kill them?) This ENTIRE FILM could have taken place without the supposed 'hero' whose deeds would give him 'immortality'. All Theseus did was screw up, royally. Oh, and screw an Oracle to ensure she could no longer lead her religion and instead became a single mother given no credit for anything other than being the baby mother of a 'famous hero'.
Hollywood... you so messed up.
First of all, a young woman awakens from a dream, surrounded by her three friends on a circular sleeping mat. She's an oracle, you see. She's just seen someone in a pointy hat and with a golden mask using a glowing bow to destroy a cage holding a group of feral-looking blokes arranged in rows with their teeth clamped on iron bars - sort of like table footballers, really. She says that this is King Hyperion using the Epirus bow to free the Titans. Fine, okay, except that in Greek mythology Hyperion WAS a titan (the Lord of Light, as it happens), so I'm not sure what's going on there. Apparently Hyperion's coming for her - Mickey Rourke then storms into the temple, talks about how the gods did nothing when his wife and child died of a disease and sets a priest on fire, Hyperion clearly following the Henry VIII method of religious revolution.
We then get John Hurt's voice. Apart from setting my wife giggling because he apparently narrates the 'Merlin' TV series as a dragon, John Hurt is generally a good starting point. He lends an air of gravitas and a gentle assurance that not everyone in this film is going to be American. He tells us that the immortals found out they could kill each other one day and war broke out. The winners of that war called themselves gods, and banished the losers (titans) into a prison below Mount Tartarus. Now, those of you who think as I do might ponder upon this. Were I the winner of a war who'd just found out that he could kill his enemies, I might actually kill my defeated enemies instead of putting them into a prison. I mean, that's what we were fighting about in the first place, right? I'm not sure. Anyway, that's what the gods did, which is just the first of many mistakes they'll make over the course of this film.
Then we move to a village on a cliffside somewhere, where we meet Theseus, aka Henry Cavill showing off his six pack and an English accent you could use to cut glass. He's the son of an unmarried woman apparently, not like the Theseus in Greek mythology who was the son of a king and a god, I believe (both slept with his mother in one night, because that's how biology works). He's talking to John Hurt, playing yet another Aged Counsellor figure and suggesting that Theseus should have a kid. Theseus then meets his mother as she emerges from the Labyrinth which is something to do with where his village store their dead (so they can't find their way out? Sounds sensible to me). Theseus points out that he's not religious and that the priest has a most ridiculous hat, which he certainly does. This is the first of another theme in this movie; stupid hats.
People talk about Hyperion coming. Why he's going to bother coming to a little village on a cliff I don't know, because he's looking for the Epirus bow and there's no chance of it being HERE, surely? Also, Theseus gets annoyed at a soldier (Lysander) calling his mother a whore and beats him up, then turns down the sergeant's offer of employment. To be fair, if I was offered a job with an organisation who showed that level of employee protection I might do the same. Lysander is removed from his office, because badmouthing a peasant's mother and then being beaten up is apparently a firing offence in the Greek military. Then John Hurt is revealed to be Zeus as he wanders around in the darkness and turns into Orlando Bloom in a stupid god number, who talks to his daughter Athena, also in gold. Neither of them are wearing hats that are particularly ridiculous, lucky them. Athena says that Zeus has been influencing Thesus, but Zeus says no, only as a human, his friend, not as a god. I guess that's alright then, since there seems to be some sort of law against the latter.
Lysander decides to kill the village's sentries and heads off to be a traitor to Hyperion, who's not really interested in him, so gets his 'beast' (a huge man in a barbed wire bull helmet) to claw his face to mark him as a coward, then castrate him with a mallet - sort of like Ancient Jackass, I guess. Then Hyperion turns up at the village anyway and kills pretty much everyone, including Theseus's mother in front of him. Theseus is strong enough to be a threat, so he's put to work in the salt mines. Up on Olympus, Zeus warns all the other gods not to interfere in mortal affairs. Someone asks 'what if Hyperion finds the Epirus bow and frees the titans', at which Zeus looks appropriately grim but doesn't answer.
In the salt mines, Theseus encounters a few characters who scream 'quirky but loyal companions', as well as the four oracle girls who are there for no apparent reason whatsoever, having been captured. The real oracle (the other three are there to hide her identity) trips over Theseus and gets a vision of the future. Him holding the Epirus bow and embracing Hyperion, with a wave over him and a wrapped up body on a rock in front of him.
Let's hold here a second. The oracle of the god has seen a vision saying that this man will find the bow, the thing that Hyperion is after and that can release the titans from their prison, something which might spell the end of the gods that she worships (maybe they've flabby and out of shape? After all, the titans are there because they lost, unless I'm remembering wrong). Now, the oracle girls are revealed to have knives and to know how to use them - they kill some guards for the real oracle to lead an escape in a few minutes. Were I her, however, the first target for my blade would be Theseus BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO FIND THE FUCKING BOW, THEN HUG HYPERION. Instead she gives him water to keep him alive and makes sure he escapes with them.
Off they trot, then, to the coastline. They try to hijack a boat but it proves to have a load of Hyperion's soldiers in it. Things look bad for the companions, but then Poseidon leaps out of Olympus and crashes into the sea to send a tidal wave that washes away the soldiers. Let us pause a moment to look at Poseidon's choice of headwear:
http://www.altfg.com/Stars/photo-actors-k/kellan-lutz-poseidon-immortals.jpg
Seriously, what's going on there? It looks like Jean Paul Gaultier tried designing a new head protector for Petr Cech and then discarded the design for being too tacky. If I wore a hat like that, I'd be sorely tempted to jump into the sea.
Meanwhile, Hyperion has the oracle's three friends who aren't being helpful, but he sends other people off to Theseus's old village because they have a temple there, or something. Dude, you've just been there.
So, Theseus has escaped certain death due to a god's intervention. Right, we'll give him a free pass for that one. The oracle, having gained credence because she told them what to do with the incoming wave that she saw in her vision, then tells Theseus he must go back and bury his mother (that's the body she saw on the rock in front of him). Theseus heads off like a good little boy and gets back to his village, where he goes into the Labyrinth and pushes her into place, then decides to take a hammer and chisel to a rock and PULLS OUT THE FUCKING EPIRUS BOW.
Well, whoops.
Then the 'beast' turns up and tries to kill Theseus, but Theseus kills him. I like that. Took the minotaur myth but instead of it being a half-human, half-bull offspring of a Minoan lady who built a wooden cow to lie inside to seduce the White Bull, her island's cow-shaped sea god (seriously, look it up. It's like the x-rated Trojan Horse), it's a massive bloke in a bull helmet. I like how they tried to show how a myth could grow from that, like at the end of Troy where Achilles has pulled out all the arrows except the one in his heel, which gave rise to the myth that he was immortal everywhere except there. However, in this film it makes fuck all sense BECAUSE THERE ARE THE GODS IN THEIR STUPID HATS.
Anyway, Theseus gets out, finds more soldiers threatening his friends and shoots them all with the Epirus bow. Let's pause another moment and examine the Epirus bow, shall we?
4301439194_ca5e2a8356.jpg
Yup, that's pretty much what it looks like. Seriously, you couldn't do better than rip off an 80s cartoon that was in itself a cheap attempt to cash in on a geeky game's brief popularity?
Anyway, he now has the Epirus bow, the thing that Hyperion can use to free the titans. Personally, I'd have broken the bloody thing over my knee and then laughed at Mickey's sad face, but I'm not hero material. Instead Theseus and his mates head off to find the Hyperion to kill him, but not before Theseus FUCKS THE VIRGIN ORACLE. And her 3D arse. She says she wants to see the world through her own eyes, love with her own heart, touch with her own flesh, etc. What she really means is she's had enough of being important and valued for her own merits, and is now ready to be nothing but a bit of arm candy for a six-packed peasant with an incongruous accent. Thus ends the only slightly positive female character in the film.
They get to Hyperion's base at the Oracle's former temple, but Hyperion's packed up and headed off for where the rest of the Greek army are based. They find the Oracle's former sisters in a metal bull heated over fire, all burned up and uglified; this desecration of holy flesh apparently drives the priest who's been taking along into a state of madness (dude, Theseus just fucked your oracle into uselessness, these girls were just her cover, this was in effect their job, to take the shit so she could remain free and oracle-y). He runs down into the nearby quarry with a sword, even though Theseus and the Loveable Thief shout "it's a trap!" Well Theseus, in that case, why not shoot the people down there in that NICE, OPEN QUARRY with your ALMIGHTY BOW? No? No, you'll run down after the priest, get blindsided and then have Hyperion's trained hyena (seriously, that just made Hyperion the hero for me, I love hyenas) snatch the bow and leg it.
Theseus is about to get killed, but Hermes appears and kills all Hyperion's men, then Athena appears and gives him a couple of horses that will run 'until their hearts give out', because the gods are big up on animal welfare. Then Zeus appears, mad that his edict has been defied (hey Orli, Poseidon already did it once, did you miss that?). So he kills Hermes. Let's take a look at Hermes' hat, shall we?
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGj7g9Ul2gWn0IAQ6D8HO7UeerbN8H8zbc5-2bBvbmJMpBaAEH7YwAt1c3Q4oWnbhorxS6YeS4ZvUWzlguUFv3oloSiiy-4mBwa2C1xxxo0VX54ZHFJxsTTE-yXQjYIU9UD5JZHxb1q017/s1600/Immortals-Movie-Poster-1.jpg
That's one hell of a mohawk.
Zeus doesn't kill Athena though, because... hell if I know, I think he fancies her, and she's his daughter. Still, this is Greece. Anyway, Theseus and the Loveable Thief and the Now-Useless Oracle head off to where the Greek 'army' is (and the horses do die. Lovely). Hyperion gets the bow and is chuffed. The Greek leader ignores Theseus's advice to 'close the gate', and then Hyperion wanders up under an olive branch of peace and wants Theseus to join his army. Theseus says no and closes the gate anyway, which Hyperion promptly blows in with the Epirus bow the next morning and everyone starts fighting in the entrance tunnel... a tunnel with loads of hallways off it. Nice going, Greeks.
Oh, when Hyperion is blowing up the gate? He too wears a silly hat. The silliest of the lot, in fact:
immortals_hyperionattacksclip_hd.jpg
Yes, that's a giant crab claw on his head. Maybe he's advertising seafood? I really don't know.
Hyperion wanders merrily away from the battle in the tunnel up to where the Greek leader is and kills him, then on into Mount Tartarus. Theseus and the Loveable Thief follow him, presumably cursing the Greek leaders who decided to build an entrance tunnel with multiple ways for opposing leaders to get out of the way of the fighting and to where they want to go. They get into Mount Tartarus after him, just too late to prevent Hyperion from freeing the titans. Then Loveable Thief gets the bow and kills one titan before the rest swarm him, and then the gods appear looking pissed off and with weapons. Zeus tells Theseus to get after Hyperion, which he does.
Theseus and Hyperion scrap, and basically kill each other. The gods and the titans fight and all the gods are killed except Zeus, who grabs handles, pulls chains and collapses Mount Tartarus in on the titans, then grabs Athena/her corpse and disappears skywards. And then in the aftermath we're told that because of Theseus's bravery the gods gave him a song (see, the Oracle DID have a use afterwards! She was a womb for the hero's seed!).
Don't get me wrong, Immortals was a relatively entertaining film to watch. Mickey Rourke made an excellent antagonist, with an understandable motive and an appealing efficiency to his work, but also a callous brutality that made him easily dislikeable. Cavill's portrayal of Theseus was engaging, with enough easy charm to get behind him a bit but without being wet. Even Orlando Bloom didn't mess up being Zeus. However, the hats made the entire thing rather ridiculous, as did the Hank Bow. However, what I really want to draw attention to is the plot.
In conclusion: The Gods imprisoned their ancient enemies rather than killing them. The Oracle saved the life of the man she saw would find the thing that could release the Titans, and as a result of her advice Theseus went back to his village and found it, instead of it remaining hidden. He then didn't break it into pieces, but instead took it to where he thought Hyperion was. When Hyperion wasn't there, he allowed it to be captured. Hyperion then wandered through a badly-thought out defensive construct and freed the Titans. The Gods came down, got themselves killed, and Zeus collapsed Mount Tartarus on them while Hyperion and Theseus killed each other.
The Gods saved Theseus's life, directly, twice. Zeus himself spent twenty years or so grooming the young man into a warrior. Yet without Theseus, they'd have been fine! Hyperion would have never found the bow! Even if he HAD, Theseus didn't do anything to stop him releasing the Titans. He got there too late, all he managed was to kill Hyperion afterwards. Zeus had to collapse Mount Tartarus to stop them (hint: if that stops them, why not collapse Mount Tartarus on them in the first place, if you didn't want to just kill them?) This ENTIRE FILM could have taken place without the supposed 'hero' whose deeds would give him 'immortality'. All Theseus did was screw up, royally. Oh, and screw an Oracle to ensure she could no longer lead her religion and instead became a single mother given no credit for anything other than being the baby mother of a 'famous hero'.
Hollywood... you so messed up.
Friday, 5 August 2011
A Return To Form
So. I had captured Alphonse of Bouche's Babes but James wasn't interested in ransoming him back, instead deciding that he wanted to rescue him. I'd brought in a tidy amount of income from my previous game as I'd rolled well for my territories that gave me variable amounts of cash, but instead of splashing out between fights I was saving up with the notion of getting another heavy and a suitably impressive weapon to give him. As a result my gang lined up for this fight with exactly the same equipment and personnel as last time.
The Rescue mission is something of a complicated one, but basically involves the defender (me) having as many fighters as I can roll on one die (which turned out to be 5) against as many fighters as the attacker (James) could roll on two dice (which turned out to be 11... or actually 7, as that was all of his gang). James's aim was to get one of his models into base-to-base contact with his captured Alphonse model (which I unsportingly put at the top of a building) to free him. In the meantime, my sentries would wander around randomly until the alarm was sounded, which at a very basic level was more likely to happen the more powerful the weapon was that James fired.
James clearly stated that he wasn't going to sneak around: he intended to take out all of my sentries as fast as possible, on the basis that although I could bring on the rest of my gang as reinforcements once the alarm was sounded there were only three more of them (Bruce, my slow, limping fighter, Arnold the heavy, and Jason the new juve) and if the rest of my gang were already down he could probably deal with them in short order. So with a blaze of shots and a yell of warcries Bouche's Babes gunned down and charged into close combat with (and then cut down) four out of five of my sentries, leaving Steven face down on the ground and crawling away, and only Sly upright and healthy. The writing appeared to be on the wall for the Last Action Heroes; was this a sequel too far?
As it turned out: no. I was able to bring on my reinforcements, who did very little - Bruce got shot at long rang by James's heavy, Arnold with his new ballistic skill of 5 rolled a 1 to hit and Jason also failed, meaning the intended target charged into close combat with Arnold, cut him down and then moved on to Jason. Sly, however, was the saviour - he put down on of James's fighters in one turn, then fired two more shots out at Bouche himself and his companion in the next, wounding Bouche and putting the other one down. These casualties meant that James had to take a Bottle test at the start of his go... and despite the heavy losses inflicted on their opponents, they decided Alphonse wasn't worth that much and turned to run.
This was an all-around good result for me. While I picked up a couple of injuries (most annoyingly to Jet, a leg wound meaning that my gunfighter with his close-ranged weaponry will now be limping into position, although his ability to run and hide with his Dive skill counteracts that slightly), I also got additional skills. All of my gang with long-ranged weapons can now hit on a roll of 2+ if their enemy is standing in the open, and Harrison picked up another advance meaning he has a Ballistic Skill of 6 so can hit on a 2+ even if his enemy is behind partial cover. The other good thing was that as James's gang rating was higher than mine I got a 'giant killer' bonus of money. Finally, James and I came to an agreement - I would give him Alphonse back for 30 creds and his weapons, which was a better deal than I'd get by ransoming the fighter into slavery. This gave me a tidy sum of money plus a spare shotgun and sword.
In the interests of developing my gang I picked up a new heavy, named Dolph. I initially equipped him with this newly-acquired shotgun ("Warning shot! ...a little low") with a view to buying him a heavy stubber as well (which I should be able to do after my next game), but I have now reconsidered. Arnold's head wound makes him unpredictable, and to avoid the effects he needs to roll below his Leadership (7) on two dice at the start of each go. If he hangs around with Harrison he can use Harrison's leadership characteristic of 9 for this test, but if he moves then he can't shoot his heavy stubber. Also, his Old Battle Wound means that he misses each fight on a roll of 1 beforehand, and I don't like the idea of my heavy support being missing or potentially un-useful. As a result I have decided to give Arnold's heavy stubber to Dolph, who's only an average shot but will at least turn up and not walk into walls, and will buy a plasma gun for Arnold. This means he can move and fire it in the same turn, and keep close to Harrison to use his leadership to try and prevent himself from acting Stupid or Frenzied.
The Rescue mission is something of a complicated one, but basically involves the defender (me) having as many fighters as I can roll on one die (which turned out to be 5) against as many fighters as the attacker (James) could roll on two dice (which turned out to be 11... or actually 7, as that was all of his gang). James's aim was to get one of his models into base-to-base contact with his captured Alphonse model (which I unsportingly put at the top of a building) to free him. In the meantime, my sentries would wander around randomly until the alarm was sounded, which at a very basic level was more likely to happen the more powerful the weapon was that James fired.
James clearly stated that he wasn't going to sneak around: he intended to take out all of my sentries as fast as possible, on the basis that although I could bring on the rest of my gang as reinforcements once the alarm was sounded there were only three more of them (Bruce, my slow, limping fighter, Arnold the heavy, and Jason the new juve) and if the rest of my gang were already down he could probably deal with them in short order. So with a blaze of shots and a yell of warcries Bouche's Babes gunned down and charged into close combat with (and then cut down) four out of five of my sentries, leaving Steven face down on the ground and crawling away, and only Sly upright and healthy. The writing appeared to be on the wall for the Last Action Heroes; was this a sequel too far?
As it turned out: no. I was able to bring on my reinforcements, who did very little - Bruce got shot at long rang by James's heavy, Arnold with his new ballistic skill of 5 rolled a 1 to hit and Jason also failed, meaning the intended target charged into close combat with Arnold, cut him down and then moved on to Jason. Sly, however, was the saviour - he put down on of James's fighters in one turn, then fired two more shots out at Bouche himself and his companion in the next, wounding Bouche and putting the other one down. These casualties meant that James had to take a Bottle test at the start of his go... and despite the heavy losses inflicted on their opponents, they decided Alphonse wasn't worth that much and turned to run.
This was an all-around good result for me. While I picked up a couple of injuries (most annoyingly to Jet, a leg wound meaning that my gunfighter with his close-ranged weaponry will now be limping into position, although his ability to run and hide with his Dive skill counteracts that slightly), I also got additional skills. All of my gang with long-ranged weapons can now hit on a roll of 2+ if their enemy is standing in the open, and Harrison picked up another advance meaning he has a Ballistic Skill of 6 so can hit on a 2+ even if his enemy is behind partial cover. The other good thing was that as James's gang rating was higher than mine I got a 'giant killer' bonus of money. Finally, James and I came to an agreement - I would give him Alphonse back for 30 creds and his weapons, which was a better deal than I'd get by ransoming the fighter into slavery. This gave me a tidy sum of money plus a spare shotgun and sword.
In the interests of developing my gang I picked up a new heavy, named Dolph. I initially equipped him with this newly-acquired shotgun ("Warning shot! ...a little low") with a view to buying him a heavy stubber as well (which I should be able to do after my next game), but I have now reconsidered. Arnold's head wound makes him unpredictable, and to avoid the effects he needs to roll below his Leadership (7) on two dice at the start of each go. If he hangs around with Harrison he can use Harrison's leadership characteristic of 9 for this test, but if he moves then he can't shoot his heavy stubber. Also, his Old Battle Wound means that he misses each fight on a roll of 1 beforehand, and I don't like the idea of my heavy support being missing or potentially un-useful. As a result I have decided to give Arnold's heavy stubber to Dolph, who's only an average shot but will at least turn up and not walk into walls, and will buy a plasma gun for Arnold. This means he can move and fire it in the same turn, and keep close to Harrison to use his leadership to try and prevent himself from acting Stupid or Frenzied.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Three-Way Dance. Well, fight.
After last week's disaster, I *had* planned to play a quick shoot-out scenario against Ste and his Cawdor this week to get some quick experience and income with only a few models actually being at risk of death, but Nick (who's running the campaign) decreed that all fights this week would be Scavengers missions (like my very first game). Since there was an odd number of players, I lined up against Ste and James (my ally from last week - presumably we both blamed each other for our disastrous loss) in a three-way fight over the available loot.
I had very clear objectives for this game. With most of the loot counters placed in the centre of the board I was at risk of being caught between James, who had set up opposite me, and Ste, who was positioned on the board edge to my left (Ste had rolled lowest and so got the worst setup zone). As a result I intended to grab what I could quickly and run away as soon as reasonably possible, or hang back and let the other two kill each other before mopping up.
My fortunes were again somewhat mixed. James's first turn didn't affect me as he couldn't see to shoot. New juve Jason grabbed a loot counter on the first turn, but Sly, sent up to support him, missed the Ste's fighters with both of his shots despite needing only a 4+ to hit. Heavy Arnold hit another of Ste's gangers at very long range but failed to wound his target. Harrison, on the other hand, showed how it should be done by hitting one of James's fighters with his boltgun and taking the unfortunate straight out of action. Ste managed to take juve Jason down and also brought his fighters who were turning up late through his Tunnels territory on near me, so in my next turn Sly beat a hasty retreat and then managed to wound the fighter that Arnold had failed to hurt last turn. Dwayne also managed to grab a loot counter and Harrison continued his awesomeness by hitting another of James's fighters and taking this one straight out of action as well!
Then things started to go downhill. Ste managed to wound Arnold and take him down, James set up his heavy with heavy stubber on 'Overwatch' ready to shoot Jet the moment he made a move towards a loot counter, and he also managed to take Dwayne down (which caused Steven to lose his nerve and run away). As we were randomising turn sequences every go (instead of the same person always going last) James got two turns between me getting one turn and my next, which meant his incredibly fast fighter (Moushey, I believe) could run up and grab two more loot counters from under my nose and then run away again. With three fighters out of eight down and another cowering in terror, one unable to move without drawing an unwelcome amount of fire and a whole mob of Ste's Cawdor approaching from my left, I decided discretion was the better part of valour and ran away voluntarily, leaving the other two to fight over the remains (Ste eventually won when James's gang ran away despite his wishes).
Jason rolled a 4 and so was not seriously injured after the battle, meaning he kept his loot counter. Arnold rolled a 3 and so went out of action at the end of the game, taking a serious injury (a Head Wound, meaning not only does he have an Old Battle Wound that means he won't turn up for a fight on a roll of 1, but he is now at risk of being either Frenzied or Stupid instead, neither of which is useful for someone whom I want to stand still and shoot at people). Dwayne also went out of action (dropping his loot) and ended up with Impressive Scars (which actually boots his Leadership characteristic, meaning he's less likely to run away like Steven did when Dwayne himself got shot).
With regard to experience, we calculated it by getting the average of our opponent's gang ratings. I was the lowest-rated gang, so I got a nice bonus from facing off against them. My leader Harrison notched up another increase to his Ballistic Skill, meaning he'll hit on a 2+ against an opponent in the open. Arnold followed suit to the same degree, while Jet picked up an extra attack (useful, since he's armed with pistols and therefore likely to get into close combat at some point). Sly gained a point of Initiative (not the most useful advance in the world, but I'll take it), Dwayne gained the Sneak Up skill (really not that useful), Steven picked up another Ballistic Skill advance as well making him just as good a shot as Harrison and Arnold, and Jason the new juve gained a point of Weapon Skill meaning he was less likely to die in hand-to-hand combat.
I got a goodly income from the game (boosted by a decent income from my solitary loot counter)... and also ended up capturing one of James's fighters: Alphonse, taken out of action by a Harrison one-shot-and-out special. I was willing to ransom him back, but James decided that he wanted to play the Rescue scenario instead...
I had very clear objectives for this game. With most of the loot counters placed in the centre of the board I was at risk of being caught between James, who had set up opposite me, and Ste, who was positioned on the board edge to my left (Ste had rolled lowest and so got the worst setup zone). As a result I intended to grab what I could quickly and run away as soon as reasonably possible, or hang back and let the other two kill each other before mopping up.
My fortunes were again somewhat mixed. James's first turn didn't affect me as he couldn't see to shoot. New juve Jason grabbed a loot counter on the first turn, but Sly, sent up to support him, missed the Ste's fighters with both of his shots despite needing only a 4+ to hit. Heavy Arnold hit another of Ste's gangers at very long range but failed to wound his target. Harrison, on the other hand, showed how it should be done by hitting one of James's fighters with his boltgun and taking the unfortunate straight out of action. Ste managed to take juve Jason down and also brought his fighters who were turning up late through his Tunnels territory on near me, so in my next turn Sly beat a hasty retreat and then managed to wound the fighter that Arnold had failed to hurt last turn. Dwayne also managed to grab a loot counter and Harrison continued his awesomeness by hitting another of James's fighters and taking this one straight out of action as well!
Then things started to go downhill. Ste managed to wound Arnold and take him down, James set up his heavy with heavy stubber on 'Overwatch' ready to shoot Jet the moment he made a move towards a loot counter, and he also managed to take Dwayne down (which caused Steven to lose his nerve and run away). As we were randomising turn sequences every go (instead of the same person always going last) James got two turns between me getting one turn and my next, which meant his incredibly fast fighter (Moushey, I believe) could run up and grab two more loot counters from under my nose and then run away again. With three fighters out of eight down and another cowering in terror, one unable to move without drawing an unwelcome amount of fire and a whole mob of Ste's Cawdor approaching from my left, I decided discretion was the better part of valour and ran away voluntarily, leaving the other two to fight over the remains (Ste eventually won when James's gang ran away despite his wishes).
Jason rolled a 4 and so was not seriously injured after the battle, meaning he kept his loot counter. Arnold rolled a 3 and so went out of action at the end of the game, taking a serious injury (a Head Wound, meaning not only does he have an Old Battle Wound that means he won't turn up for a fight on a roll of 1, but he is now at risk of being either Frenzied or Stupid instead, neither of which is useful for someone whom I want to stand still and shoot at people). Dwayne also went out of action (dropping his loot) and ended up with Impressive Scars (which actually boots his Leadership characteristic, meaning he's less likely to run away like Steven did when Dwayne himself got shot).
With regard to experience, we calculated it by getting the average of our opponent's gang ratings. I was the lowest-rated gang, so I got a nice bonus from facing off against them. My leader Harrison notched up another increase to his Ballistic Skill, meaning he'll hit on a 2+ against an opponent in the open. Arnold followed suit to the same degree, while Jet picked up an extra attack (useful, since he's armed with pistols and therefore likely to get into close combat at some point). Sly gained a point of Initiative (not the most useful advance in the world, but I'll take it), Dwayne gained the Sneak Up skill (really not that useful), Steven picked up another Ballistic Skill advance as well making him just as good a shot as Harrison and Arnold, and Jason the new juve gained a point of Weapon Skill meaning he was less likely to die in hand-to-hand combat.
I got a goodly income from the game (boosted by a decent income from my solitary loot counter)... and also ended up capturing one of James's fighters: Alphonse, taken out of action by a Harrison one-shot-and-out special. I was willing to ransom him back, but James decided that he wanted to play the Rescue scenario instead...
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
United We Stand, Divided We Utterly Fail
Tuesday 26th July was 'Giant Killing' night at Warhammer World, where the idea was to bring down some gangs that had got ahead of the pack by pitting two smaller gangs against them and duffing them up a bit, plus the smaller gangs would get double experience points to ratchet them up the ratings faster. This saw my Last Action Heroes (already depleted in numbers from last week's adventures) teaming up with James's gang Bouche's Babes (also Delaques) to take on campaign leader (I think) Andy and his Van Saar gang Crucible's Ghosts. Added together, our 'gang ratings' were actually higher than his and we outnumbered him by one model.
It didn't show.
It started relatively promisingly as Andy's shooting was below par, even with his higher Ballistic Skills and various superior weaponry. However, our ability to take his fighters down was low due to most of them being tougher than usual and needing more than one wounding hit to drop them. I was doing fairly well keeping him pinned down on my side of the board for the first couple of turns (and Sly kept up his good work by scoring a wounding hit that actually did put someone down), but then Andy began to find his range. Even a couple of people down wasn't disastrous and we could have rallied the fight, but at the start of a turn where I was planning to charge Harrison into close combat with one of his fighters (a fight I was confident he'd win), and run up and flame a couple more into oblivion, all of which might have turned the tide in our favour... my gang failed its leadership test and we ran away. James bravely fought on for one turn alone, but hadn't factored in that with my gang now off the board, every gun that Andy could bring to bear was going to be turned on him. The next turn was spectacularly messy as Andy proceeded to obliterate everything in sight under a withering hail of fire, and James didn't even check to see whether his gang stuck around next turn, instead choosing to run away.
The post-fight was particularly painful. Two out of three of my fighters who needed to roll for injuries ended up dead, which is awful luck for a one-in-six chance of death. I said goodbye to Jackie (gunned down by Billy 3-Flamers) which lost my gang our Marksman, and also to Shia (murdered by Yanni) who had just become a ganger and was looking half-useful with his Hipshooting skill and a hand flamer. James came off rather worse, as out of (I believe) six fighters who took injury rolls, two died (including a fighter named Rutterkin, renowned throughout the campaign as about the hardest bastard around) and two more were capture (including Bouche himself, the gang leader).
With a remaining gang of only four models (compared to an average of about ten, and Andy's collection of seventeen), James took the only reasonable step in the circumstances: a last-ditch Rescue attempt to try and free his captured fighters to make his gang actually viable again. The Rescue luckily went off without a hitch; Andy rolled a '1' which mean he only left one sentry guarding the hostages, and all four of Bouche's Babes turned up and liberated their gangmates without once setting off the alarm that would allow the sentry to start shooting or the rest of the gang to show up. As a result he got a massive boost to his income and experience for 'beating' a much larger gang, and left the night thinking that things might not be quite as bad as he'd first thought. I, meanwhile, was only able to replace the able Jackie and the not-great-but-useful-in-some-ways Shia with a new juve Jason (Statham), who gets an autopistol and the instruction to stand in front of the rest of the gang and let the enemy shoot him.
Rather annoyingly, the 'Giant Killing' night turned out to be anything but. Out of the three games, in two the 'giant' gang won, and even in the other the giants still inflicted several casualties. The gap between the best and the rest is wider than ever, and The Last Action Heroes are limping onwards but to no obvious purpose...
It didn't show.
It started relatively promisingly as Andy's shooting was below par, even with his higher Ballistic Skills and various superior weaponry. However, our ability to take his fighters down was low due to most of them being tougher than usual and needing more than one wounding hit to drop them. I was doing fairly well keeping him pinned down on my side of the board for the first couple of turns (and Sly kept up his good work by scoring a wounding hit that actually did put someone down), but then Andy began to find his range. Even a couple of people down wasn't disastrous and we could have rallied the fight, but at the start of a turn where I was planning to charge Harrison into close combat with one of his fighters (a fight I was confident he'd win), and run up and flame a couple more into oblivion, all of which might have turned the tide in our favour... my gang failed its leadership test and we ran away. James bravely fought on for one turn alone, but hadn't factored in that with my gang now off the board, every gun that Andy could bring to bear was going to be turned on him. The next turn was spectacularly messy as Andy proceeded to obliterate everything in sight under a withering hail of fire, and James didn't even check to see whether his gang stuck around next turn, instead choosing to run away.
The post-fight was particularly painful. Two out of three of my fighters who needed to roll for injuries ended up dead, which is awful luck for a one-in-six chance of death. I said goodbye to Jackie (gunned down by Billy 3-Flamers) which lost my gang our Marksman, and also to Shia (murdered by Yanni) who had just become a ganger and was looking half-useful with his Hipshooting skill and a hand flamer. James came off rather worse, as out of (I believe) six fighters who took injury rolls, two died (including a fighter named Rutterkin, renowned throughout the campaign as about the hardest bastard around) and two more were capture (including Bouche himself, the gang leader).
With a remaining gang of only four models (compared to an average of about ten, and Andy's collection of seventeen), James took the only reasonable step in the circumstances: a last-ditch Rescue attempt to try and free his captured fighters to make his gang actually viable again. The Rescue luckily went off without a hitch; Andy rolled a '1' which mean he only left one sentry guarding the hostages, and all four of Bouche's Babes turned up and liberated their gangmates without once setting off the alarm that would allow the sentry to start shooting or the rest of the gang to show up. As a result he got a massive boost to his income and experience for 'beating' a much larger gang, and left the night thinking that things might not be quite as bad as he'd first thought. I, meanwhile, was only able to replace the able Jackie and the not-great-but-useful-in-some-ways Shia with a new juve Jason (Statham), who gets an autopistol and the instruction to stand in front of the rest of the gang and let the enemy shoot him.
Rather annoyingly, the 'Giant Killing' night turned out to be anything but. Out of the three games, in two the 'giant' gang won, and even in the other the giants still inflicted several casualties. The gap between the best and the rest is wider than ever, and The Last Action Heroes are limping onwards but to no obvious purpose...
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Third Time Unlucky
July 19th saw me back at Games Workshop headquarters for another crack at that whole Necromunda campaign thing. My first game saw me as an underdog gang as I took on The Emperor's Cleansing Flame, run by Ste. How would me gradually-returning Necromunda skills face against an opponent that wasn't Magic Tom?
We rolled up a standard Gang Fight scenario, where I got to set up first but Ste got first turn. He couldn't see anybody to shoot at though, and so off I went. Unfortunately the setup of the board meant that lines of sight weren't great, so I couldn't really shoot at anyone very easily. This wasn't good, as my gang are very much looking to shoot people while Ste's Cawdor gang are very much about getting close and using flamers on people or killifying them in hand-to-hand combat. He also was able to use his 'Tunnels' territory to position three fighters anywhere on the board at ground level at the end of his turn, which he used to place a heavy, a ganger with a shotgun and a juve right near the table edge I'd set up from.
The game followed a very predictable pattern, in general: I shot at things and missed, while Ste got ever closer to me. Notable exceptions were my heavy Arnold, who managed to hose down Ste's Tunnel fighting crew... well, two of them. Then the third one shot him and took him straight out of action. Meanwhile Shia the juve ran ahead and used his Hipshooting skill to shoot even though he'd run and took one of Ste's gangers straight out, which ended up in that ganger dying. However, my poor choice of positioning and movement, coupled with some bad shooting from me and some very good shooting from Ste resulted in me finishing a turn with most of my gang down or out, so I voluntarily ran away before any more damage could be inflicted.
Jean-Claude and new ganger Steven (Seagal) both ended up captured by Ste. He agreed to give me Steven back for free and I let him keep Jean-Claude to sell into slavery and keep his equipment, as Jean-Claude had rolled two results of Multiple Injuries on the Injury Table and now had a collection of bangs even worse than Bruce, my other walking cripple. Since he had an Old Battle Wound which meant he might not turn up to the fight at all, and even if he did he would be either Frenzied or Stupid, I considered that this wasn't a great loss. As for my gangers, there were no particularly notable advances other than for Jet, who had gained enough experience to become a ganger.
The other main issue that came from the game was that Ste had taken so many more models out than I had that he got one of my territories - it turned out to be my Gambling Den, although because we'd forgotten this rule it didn't happen until after I'd lost 100 credits from it! Very annoying.
Licking my wounds, and one ganger down, I took on Chris's Escher gang, Hair We Go Again. I got to pick the scenario and, in the interest of not dying, chose to Ambush him. This meant that he had to set his gang up in the middle of the board while I surrounded him (although he did get to place an Infiltrating fighter after I had set up, and also two models through the Vents territory he had at the end of his first turn).
My luck returned for this game, as even though Arnold didn't even show up to fight as I rolled a 1 for his newly-acquired Old Battle Wound, after a poor first turn my shooting picked up in a major way. Jet, newly gangerified, used his Gunfighter skill to take no fewer than three people out of action, my one remaining juve Shia took someone out (although the dum-dum bullets in his stubgun exploded and took him down) and Jackie continued his marksmanship abilities. In the end I took seven out of nine of his gangers out of action (by charging into close combat with people already on the ground and groaning)... but then I ran away because he'd taken two out, and Shia was down from his own exploding weapon. The only person of his left upright was the leader, and I ran away.
That's some serious cowardice right there.
Even worse, Vin turned out to be dead (which is what happens when you get taken out in close combat by Astrid and her power sword) and Bruce was captured! Another captive! Even though Bruce has a movement reduction and Toughness 1, I decided I wanted to ransom him back because he now has a Ballistic Skill increase and had just picked up the Crack Shot skill, meaning he can re-roll injury rolls. Also, Chris was nice enough to ransom him back for just 10 creds (possibly influenced by a couple of gangers with the Dive skill meaning they can run and hide, my plethora of hand flamers, and my Gunfighter now having another Ballistic Skill increase and a Silencer for one of his autopistols, meaning that I'd fancy my chances in a Rescue mission). However, since I'd taken so many more people out of action I did manage to nick his Settlement territory, which while not having the same earning power as a Gambling Den does at least mean that I won't lose money from it, and I might get a free juve if I'm lucky. The best thing to come out of this (apart from Jet double his experience points from 32 to 64) was Harrison my leader picking up the Armourer skill, allowing me to improve my ammo rolls. Hoorah!
Still, The Last Action Heroes are definitely feeling the effects of their fighting. With two deaths (effectively) in two games and one walking wounded ganger, plus no juves to soak up incoming enemy fire and no money to replace them (I just had enough money to kit newly-gangerised Shia out with a laspistol to back up his dodgy stubgun with dum-dums), we might be moving into hard times...
We rolled up a standard Gang Fight scenario, where I got to set up first but Ste got first turn. He couldn't see anybody to shoot at though, and so off I went. Unfortunately the setup of the board meant that lines of sight weren't great, so I couldn't really shoot at anyone very easily. This wasn't good, as my gang are very much looking to shoot people while Ste's Cawdor gang are very much about getting close and using flamers on people or killifying them in hand-to-hand combat. He also was able to use his 'Tunnels' territory to position three fighters anywhere on the board at ground level at the end of his turn, which he used to place a heavy, a ganger with a shotgun and a juve right near the table edge I'd set up from.
The game followed a very predictable pattern, in general: I shot at things and missed, while Ste got ever closer to me. Notable exceptions were my heavy Arnold, who managed to hose down Ste's Tunnel fighting crew... well, two of them. Then the third one shot him and took him straight out of action. Meanwhile Shia the juve ran ahead and used his Hipshooting skill to shoot even though he'd run and took one of Ste's gangers straight out, which ended up in that ganger dying. However, my poor choice of positioning and movement, coupled with some bad shooting from me and some very good shooting from Ste resulted in me finishing a turn with most of my gang down or out, so I voluntarily ran away before any more damage could be inflicted.
Jean-Claude and new ganger Steven (Seagal) both ended up captured by Ste. He agreed to give me Steven back for free and I let him keep Jean-Claude to sell into slavery and keep his equipment, as Jean-Claude had rolled two results of Multiple Injuries on the Injury Table and now had a collection of bangs even worse than Bruce, my other walking cripple. Since he had an Old Battle Wound which meant he might not turn up to the fight at all, and even if he did he would be either Frenzied or Stupid, I considered that this wasn't a great loss. As for my gangers, there were no particularly notable advances other than for Jet, who had gained enough experience to become a ganger.
The other main issue that came from the game was that Ste had taken so many more models out than I had that he got one of my territories - it turned out to be my Gambling Den, although because we'd forgotten this rule it didn't happen until after I'd lost 100 credits from it! Very annoying.
Licking my wounds, and one ganger down, I took on Chris's Escher gang, Hair We Go Again. I got to pick the scenario and, in the interest of not dying, chose to Ambush him. This meant that he had to set his gang up in the middle of the board while I surrounded him (although he did get to place an Infiltrating fighter after I had set up, and also two models through the Vents territory he had at the end of his first turn).
My luck returned for this game, as even though Arnold didn't even show up to fight as I rolled a 1 for his newly-acquired Old Battle Wound, after a poor first turn my shooting picked up in a major way. Jet, newly gangerified, used his Gunfighter skill to take no fewer than three people out of action, my one remaining juve Shia took someone out (although the dum-dum bullets in his stubgun exploded and took him down) and Jackie continued his marksmanship abilities. In the end I took seven out of nine of his gangers out of action (by charging into close combat with people already on the ground and groaning)... but then I ran away because he'd taken two out, and Shia was down from his own exploding weapon. The only person of his left upright was the leader, and I ran away.
That's some serious cowardice right there.
Even worse, Vin turned out to be dead (which is what happens when you get taken out in close combat by Astrid and her power sword) and Bruce was captured! Another captive! Even though Bruce has a movement reduction and Toughness 1, I decided I wanted to ransom him back because he now has a Ballistic Skill increase and had just picked up the Crack Shot skill, meaning he can re-roll injury rolls. Also, Chris was nice enough to ransom him back for just 10 creds (possibly influenced by a couple of gangers with the Dive skill meaning they can run and hide, my plethora of hand flamers, and my Gunfighter now having another Ballistic Skill increase and a Silencer for one of his autopistols, meaning that I'd fancy my chances in a Rescue mission). However, since I'd taken so many more people out of action I did manage to nick his Settlement territory, which while not having the same earning power as a Gambling Den does at least mean that I won't lose money from it, and I might get a free juve if I'm lucky. The best thing to come out of this (apart from Jet double his experience points from 32 to 64) was Harrison my leader picking up the Armourer skill, allowing me to improve my ammo rolls. Hoorah!
Still, The Last Action Heroes are definitely feeling the effects of their fighting. With two deaths (effectively) in two games and one walking wounded ganger, plus no juves to soak up incoming enemy fire and no money to replace them (I just had enough money to kit newly-gangerised Shia out with a laspistol to back up his dodgy stubgun with dum-dums), we might be moving into hard times...
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Last Action Apocalypse II: Because One Apocalypse Is Not Enough
My third and last instalment of my first week in the Necromunda campaign will also be the shortest, but in the interests of completeness it is worth... completing.
I won the roll of the dice to pick table edge, but had to set up my entire gang first. I spread them across the tabletop to ensure that Magic wouldn't be able to surround me, with my best shooters up high to have a wide field of fire (and some distance between them and the people that Magic would be sending to cut them up), and my pistol and shotgun fighters (with their closer range weapons) on the ground. However, Magic made a bold deployment move by setting up virtually all of his gang on one far side of the table, with only two on the other, to my left. Tricksy hobbit.
I'd won the roll to go first, so everybody sprinted forward into the best shooting positions they could find. Magic then advanced, being careful to keep as much cover between himself and my shooters as he could... not not careful enough. It transpired that although Arnold couldn't really see over the walls to get a bead on Magic's fighters (especially since his weapon is so large that he can either move or fire, but not both in the same turn), Jackie and his Marksman skill could. Utilising his ability to fire further than normal, and his ability to pick a target of his choice instead of the closest fighter, Jackie ignored the human juve shield Magic had placed in front of his heavy and shot her unerringly. This was a pattern that repeated itself for a couple more turns as his heavy got up and then got shot back down again, until she finally stayed down and, instead of standing up, was able to crawl slowly away.
However, my other shooting was not so good. My leader Harrison, using his boltgun (the best weapon in my gang, behind Arnold's Heavy Stubber) tried to shoot at Bonny Rotten, one of Magic's gangers, rolled a 1 on his 'to hit' die, and since Jean-Claude was standing within half an inch of the shot's flight path, managed to shoot his own ganger in the back. Not intelligent, really.
The rest of the game continued in much the same vein for me. Apart from Jackie's sterling work shooting at Magic's heavy, most of the rest of my shooting was fairly poor (apart from my last turn, where Magic's lone two fighters on my left approached within range of my fighters whom I'd stationed over there, and received a double dose of hand flamer for their troubles). Magic didn't face magnificently better, but by the time the hall was closing he had one model out of action and one down, while I had two out of action (albeit one by my own hand, er, bullet), so I declared him to be the winner.
Afterwards we repaired to Magic's abode and did our rolls. No-one died this time, on either side: Jean Claude managed a full recovery from being shot in the back by Harrison (despite Magic's delight at the potential for him ending up hating his own leader, hatred being an actual rule that causes models to act differently), but Bruce, gunned down by Bonny Rotten, was not so lucky. He suffered a multiple injuries result, meaning he had to roll several times on the injury table. He came away with a leg wound that reduced his movement, two chest wounds to reduce his Toughness characteristic to 1, shell shock that reduced his Initiative by one point, and Hatred for Bonny. However, he also got a result of 'Survives Against The Odds' which meant he got extra experience points for somehow finding his way back to his friends after the fight despite these new handicaps. The results from this meant that he got +1 Toughness (very useful, since Toughness 2 isn't great but much better than Toughness 1), and an extra wound. Methinks Bruce might now be spending his time hanging back and shooting instead of getting stuck in with his shotgun.
I did end up with a captive: Vicki Vane was apparently grabbed by the Last Action Heroes as they departed the scene of battle. Magic offered me the paltry sum of 15 credits as a ransom, but given he had just bought a silencer for his leader's autopistol and was equipped with things called 'stummers', he was fairly sure that he could rescue her by using the 'Rescue' scenario, designed for just such an eventuality. Partly because I knew how well suited Magic would be for this, and partly because I wanted my third game to be against someone else, I handed over said ganger for the 15 credits and avoided further conflict. Who said I can't be diplomatic?
Well, pretty much everyone who's met me, but that's another story.
I won the roll of the dice to pick table edge, but had to set up my entire gang first. I spread them across the tabletop to ensure that Magic wouldn't be able to surround me, with my best shooters up high to have a wide field of fire (and some distance between them and the people that Magic would be sending to cut them up), and my pistol and shotgun fighters (with their closer range weapons) on the ground. However, Magic made a bold deployment move by setting up virtually all of his gang on one far side of the table, with only two on the other, to my left. Tricksy hobbit.
I'd won the roll to go first, so everybody sprinted forward into the best shooting positions they could find. Magic then advanced, being careful to keep as much cover between himself and my shooters as he could... not not careful enough. It transpired that although Arnold couldn't really see over the walls to get a bead on Magic's fighters (especially since his weapon is so large that he can either move or fire, but not both in the same turn), Jackie and his Marksman skill could. Utilising his ability to fire further than normal, and his ability to pick a target of his choice instead of the closest fighter, Jackie ignored the human juve shield Magic had placed in front of his heavy and shot her unerringly. This was a pattern that repeated itself for a couple more turns as his heavy got up and then got shot back down again, until she finally stayed down and, instead of standing up, was able to crawl slowly away.
However, my other shooting was not so good. My leader Harrison, using his boltgun (the best weapon in my gang, behind Arnold's Heavy Stubber) tried to shoot at Bonny Rotten, one of Magic's gangers, rolled a 1 on his 'to hit' die, and since Jean-Claude was standing within half an inch of the shot's flight path, managed to shoot his own ganger in the back. Not intelligent, really.
The rest of the game continued in much the same vein for me. Apart from Jackie's sterling work shooting at Magic's heavy, most of the rest of my shooting was fairly poor (apart from my last turn, where Magic's lone two fighters on my left approached within range of my fighters whom I'd stationed over there, and received a double dose of hand flamer for their troubles). Magic didn't face magnificently better, but by the time the hall was closing he had one model out of action and one down, while I had two out of action (albeit one by my own hand, er, bullet), so I declared him to be the winner.
Afterwards we repaired to Magic's abode and did our rolls. No-one died this time, on either side: Jean Claude managed a full recovery from being shot in the back by Harrison (despite Magic's delight at the potential for him ending up hating his own leader, hatred being an actual rule that causes models to act differently), but Bruce, gunned down by Bonny Rotten, was not so lucky. He suffered a multiple injuries result, meaning he had to roll several times on the injury table. He came away with a leg wound that reduced his movement, two chest wounds to reduce his Toughness characteristic to 1, shell shock that reduced his Initiative by one point, and Hatred for Bonny. However, he also got a result of 'Survives Against The Odds' which meant he got extra experience points for somehow finding his way back to his friends after the fight despite these new handicaps. The results from this meant that he got +1 Toughness (very useful, since Toughness 2 isn't great but much better than Toughness 1), and an extra wound. Methinks Bruce might now be spending his time hanging back and shooting instead of getting stuck in with his shotgun.
I did end up with a captive: Vicki Vane was apparently grabbed by the Last Action Heroes as they departed the scene of battle. Magic offered me the paltry sum of 15 credits as a ransom, but given he had just bought a silencer for his leader's autopistol and was equipped with things called 'stummers', he was fairly sure that he could rescue her by using the 'Rescue' scenario, designed for just such an eventuality. Partly because I knew how well suited Magic would be for this, and partly because I wanted my third game to be against someone else, I handed over said ganger for the 15 credits and avoided further conflict. Who said I can't be diplomatic?
Well, pretty much everyone who's met me, but that's another story.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
I'll Take Some Jam With That Last Action Apocalypse
Prologue: I like Tuesday evenings in Bugman's Bar. Stuff is cheaper, yet still delicious.
So, on Tuesday 12th July I loaded up all my old Necromunda models into an ancient Leman Russ Demolisher box and, feeling somewhat like I'd travelled back a decade, ventured into Games Workshop headquarters. I should mention at this point that the GW HQ is far from a generic head office. The buildings look like bunkers, with the giant, stylised two-headed eagle emblem of the Imperium Of Mankind placed prominently on the exterior walls. The inside of Bugman's Bar is kitted out to resemble what a dwarf bar might conceivably look like, and the purpose-built gaming room has ramparts around it. It's impressive.
I needed to repaint some names on my model bases (it's easier to remember who's who - very important for ensuring that you attribute achievements or injuries to the right people) and stick a couple of extra bits on to ensure that every model was carrying the appropriate weapons as listed on my gang sheet. While I did this, Magic played a quick game against his friend Ste, using only a few models each. Once done (Magic won), the Last Action Heroes lined up against the Apocalypse Girls.
We rolled two dice, and as I had the lower gang rating (a combined total of the cost of the gang in 'credits' - everyone has 1000 to start with, and different gang members and weapons cost different amounts - and experience points), it turned out that I got to choose the scenario we were fighting in. I chose a 'Scavengers' fight, where both gangs are competing for valuable loot across the tabletop battlefield. There's also a rule for this scenario where you can force your opponent to roll every turn and on a '1', one of their models might be dragged off and killed by a monster, but Magic and I mutually agreed that we'd be fighting in a monster-free part of the Underhive. So I lined up, outnumbered, outskilled and outgunned, and trying to remember rules about cover, what weapons do what and shoot how far, and what the best way to use them was.
Turns out I needn't have bothered. Sheer blind luck took care of all of that for me.
It's not that Magic's dice rolling was particularly unlucky - he made most of the easy rolls, failed most of the hard ones and got about 50/50 on the 3+ and 4+ rolls - it's just that mine was off the charts, particularly on the shots that counted. Arnold, my heavy, armed with a Heavy Stub Gun (effectively a heavy machine gun, with a lot of shots) kept making his 'only hits on a roll of 6' shooting rolls. Even better, he kept passing his ammo rolls (weapons in the Underhive are unreliable - if you roll a 6 to hit then there's a chance that it's your last shot, and a very small chance that your gun might explode). Even better than that, he was mainly shooting at Magic's heavy, who was armed with her own Heavy Stub Gun. As a result, not only was he doing damage (and thereby getting experience increases), but he was succeeding in preventing Magic's heavy from providing covering fire for the rest of the Apocalypse Girls. All in all, pretty tasty.
The luck didn't end there, as the rest of my gang showed that they had a fair eye for ballistics by taking out Magic's fighters at range. Eschers tend to be close combat fighters and Magic has several armed with hand-to-hand fighting weapons, with which they'd tear my rifle-armed Delaques apart. However, first they'd have to reach me, and with no covering fire they were left to charge into the barrels of my guns largely unsupported. Magic had three of the five loot counters in his possession at one point but several fighters out or badly injured, in contrast to one of my gang having received a flesh wound (which made him less good at shooting or fighting, but otherwise able to continue). Nevertheless he fought bravely on, and as a result in my next turn Jet, one of my juves (kid fighters - crap, with no experience) shot one of his loot-carrying fighters and took her out of the game, meaning that she dropped her precious cargo. Magic wisely chose discretion as the better part of valour after that, leaving me with three loot counters and a flesh wound for my troubles.
In the after-game rolls, it transpired that two of Magic's four 'out of action' fighters were dead! My leader Harrison had gunned down The Pheasant (I have no idea), while Jet's shot on Roxy Liquor was apparently a headshot, meaning my juve had caused a fatality with his first and only shot in the gang's cause. Clearly one to watch.
For my own rolls, most of my fighters got experience advances, some more than one. Harrison got a Leadership advance, meaning that my gang were less likely to run away without me doing it voluntarily, while Arnold got an increase in his Ballistic Skill, making him even more deadly with his Heavy Stubber. Jackie picked up the Marksman skill, meaning he could now fire beyond the normal maximum range of his weapon and could also pick his targets instead of having to fire at the closest enemy (so I upgraded him from shotgun to lasgun to give him a better range and make him into a sniper). Meanwhile, Jet picked up another Ballistic Skill increase and the Gunfighter skill, meaning he would now hit his enemies on a 4+ even without any bonuses for being in his weapon's short range, and if I equipped him with another pistol he could also fire once from each hand each turn, instead of one shot as is the case with most fighters.
So I gave him another pistol. Duh.
As to where I got the funds for this, my gang had a decent set of five territories that can bring in a reasonable amount of credits (most determined by rolling a dice and then multiplying it by ten), leaving me with the ability to distribute some hand flamers amongst the gang (one-shot flamethrowers - short range, but hellishly useful). I took these on the basis that most gangs will want to get close to my Delaques and chop them up instead of exchanging shots, so they might as well walk through a wall of fire to do it.
Everything done, it was time for another game. However, everyone else involved in the campaign was busy playing a massive multi-player game involving hunting monsters (and then shooting each other in the back), so there were no other opponents available. As a result - and with my gang now having the higher rating thanks to me killing two of Magic's fighters and wiping them from his roster, plus my impressive experience increases due to beating a higher-rated gang - we squared off again, this time in a standard Gang Fight "fight until someone runs away" scenario. Would my luck last? Only TIME~! would tell...
So, on Tuesday 12th July I loaded up all my old Necromunda models into an ancient Leman Russ Demolisher box and, feeling somewhat like I'd travelled back a decade, ventured into Games Workshop headquarters. I should mention at this point that the GW HQ is far from a generic head office. The buildings look like bunkers, with the giant, stylised two-headed eagle emblem of the Imperium Of Mankind placed prominently on the exterior walls. The inside of Bugman's Bar is kitted out to resemble what a dwarf bar might conceivably look like, and the purpose-built gaming room has ramparts around it. It's impressive.
I needed to repaint some names on my model bases (it's easier to remember who's who - very important for ensuring that you attribute achievements or injuries to the right people) and stick a couple of extra bits on to ensure that every model was carrying the appropriate weapons as listed on my gang sheet. While I did this, Magic played a quick game against his friend Ste, using only a few models each. Once done (Magic won), the Last Action Heroes lined up against the Apocalypse Girls.
We rolled two dice, and as I had the lower gang rating (a combined total of the cost of the gang in 'credits' - everyone has 1000 to start with, and different gang members and weapons cost different amounts - and experience points), it turned out that I got to choose the scenario we were fighting in. I chose a 'Scavengers' fight, where both gangs are competing for valuable loot across the tabletop battlefield. There's also a rule for this scenario where you can force your opponent to roll every turn and on a '1', one of their models might be dragged off and killed by a monster, but Magic and I mutually agreed that we'd be fighting in a monster-free part of the Underhive. So I lined up, outnumbered, outskilled and outgunned, and trying to remember rules about cover, what weapons do what and shoot how far, and what the best way to use them was.
Turns out I needn't have bothered. Sheer blind luck took care of all of that for me.
It's not that Magic's dice rolling was particularly unlucky - he made most of the easy rolls, failed most of the hard ones and got about 50/50 on the 3+ and 4+ rolls - it's just that mine was off the charts, particularly on the shots that counted. Arnold, my heavy, armed with a Heavy Stub Gun (effectively a heavy machine gun, with a lot of shots) kept making his 'only hits on a roll of 6' shooting rolls. Even better, he kept passing his ammo rolls (weapons in the Underhive are unreliable - if you roll a 6 to hit then there's a chance that it's your last shot, and a very small chance that your gun might explode). Even better than that, he was mainly shooting at Magic's heavy, who was armed with her own Heavy Stub Gun. As a result, not only was he doing damage (and thereby getting experience increases), but he was succeeding in preventing Magic's heavy from providing covering fire for the rest of the Apocalypse Girls. All in all, pretty tasty.
The luck didn't end there, as the rest of my gang showed that they had a fair eye for ballistics by taking out Magic's fighters at range. Eschers tend to be close combat fighters and Magic has several armed with hand-to-hand fighting weapons, with which they'd tear my rifle-armed Delaques apart. However, first they'd have to reach me, and with no covering fire they were left to charge into the barrels of my guns largely unsupported. Magic had three of the five loot counters in his possession at one point but several fighters out or badly injured, in contrast to one of my gang having received a flesh wound (which made him less good at shooting or fighting, but otherwise able to continue). Nevertheless he fought bravely on, and as a result in my next turn Jet, one of my juves (kid fighters - crap, with no experience) shot one of his loot-carrying fighters and took her out of the game, meaning that she dropped her precious cargo. Magic wisely chose discretion as the better part of valour after that, leaving me with three loot counters and a flesh wound for my troubles.
In the after-game rolls, it transpired that two of Magic's four 'out of action' fighters were dead! My leader Harrison had gunned down The Pheasant (I have no idea), while Jet's shot on Roxy Liquor was apparently a headshot, meaning my juve had caused a fatality with his first and only shot in the gang's cause. Clearly one to watch.
For my own rolls, most of my fighters got experience advances, some more than one. Harrison got a Leadership advance, meaning that my gang were less likely to run away without me doing it voluntarily, while Arnold got an increase in his Ballistic Skill, making him even more deadly with his Heavy Stubber. Jackie picked up the Marksman skill, meaning he could now fire beyond the normal maximum range of his weapon and could also pick his targets instead of having to fire at the closest enemy (so I upgraded him from shotgun to lasgun to give him a better range and make him into a sniper). Meanwhile, Jet picked up another Ballistic Skill increase and the Gunfighter skill, meaning he would now hit his enemies on a 4+ even without any bonuses for being in his weapon's short range, and if I equipped him with another pistol he could also fire once from each hand each turn, instead of one shot as is the case with most fighters.
So I gave him another pistol. Duh.
As to where I got the funds for this, my gang had a decent set of five territories that can bring in a reasonable amount of credits (most determined by rolling a dice and then multiplying it by ten), leaving me with the ability to distribute some hand flamers amongst the gang (one-shot flamethrowers - short range, but hellishly useful). I took these on the basis that most gangs will want to get close to my Delaques and chop them up instead of exchanging shots, so they might as well walk through a wall of fire to do it.
Everything done, it was time for another game. However, everyone else involved in the campaign was busy playing a massive multi-player game involving hunting monsters (and then shooting each other in the back), so there were no other opponents available. As a result - and with my gang now having the higher rating thanks to me killing two of Magic's fighters and wiping them from his roster, plus my impressive experience increases due to beating a higher-rated gang - we squared off again, this time in a standard Gang Fight "fight until someone runs away" scenario. Would my luck last? Only TIME~! would tell...
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Once More Into The Underhive
So, here's the deal.
As a teenager, I got very into the Games Workshop hobby, where people move small plastic and metal models around on a tabletop and enact battles with them, using dice and a bewildering variety of statistics to determine the outcomes. I'm not sure if this was because I was already a geek, or whether this was partially responsible for turning me into a geek. Since I'd read Lord of the Rings by the time I was nine, I suspect it was the former.
When I came to University in Nottingham, where Games Workshop is based, I stopped playing. I couldn't find anybody to play against. Weird, huh? Well, not really. The games nights that the local stores ran were on Tuesdays, and every Tuesday WITHOUT FAIL I went out to Rock City with my friends. I was not enough of a geek to sacrifice Crash in The Rig and The Basement for the hobby, so when my attempt to gain employment at a store failed, I effectively abandoned the hobby as none of my Nottingham acquaintances played.
Fast forward from 2001 to 2011. I haven't played anything Games Workshop-related for ten years. I'm twenty-nine, married, own my own home, I work in a homeless hostel, I'm in two bands and I've written three novels. My time is very nicely filled... and then I find out that Magic Tom, bassist in one of my bands and someone whom I am glad to say I've got to know much better over the last eight months or so, has joined a Necromunda campaign.
Necromunda was always my favourite game. Based around the Warhammer 40,000 rule system of combat in the far future, it is a small scale game of gang warfare based in the 'Underhive', a derelict and lawless place in the massive lower levels of an enormous self-contained city. It's personalised, and if you fight in a campaign then your gang gets better (or more injured) as you go on, allowing them to really develop a character of their own. The number of models you need is small and the games can be done relatively quickly. This was the hook that dragged me back in. I doubt I'll ever commit to the painting and financial commitment of one of the big games again, but give me a chance to break out my old models and give them some new names...
First, I needed to choose a House. I chose Delaques - pasty-skinned, hate bright light and wear trenchcoats. Basically, they're House Goth (except that they're bald instead of having long, flowing hair). Since all my gang members needed a name I named them after action movie stars and hey presto! The Last Action Heroes were born. Led up by Harrison (Ford) and with Arnie packing the heavy weaponry, the rest of the gang consisted of Bruce (Willis), Jackie (Chan), Jean-Claude (Van Damme), Sly (Stallone), Dwayne ("The Rock" Johnson) and Vin (Diesel) as gangers, and two juves, Shia (LeBouf) and Jet (Li).
It's Tuesday evening. Magic Tom has invited me to Bugman's Bar, the Games Workshop bar-cum-gaming room where the campaign is running. It's been running for a while already, so there are some big gangs about: if I fight one of them I'll likely get badly shot up, but on the upside I'll get massive experience bonuses meaning that my gang members get better much quicker than usual. However, Tom has said that my first fight can be against him, an Escher (all-female House) gang with only two fights under their belt. Although they'll be better than mine, they won't be *much* better. Now, to find out if my ability to roll dice and use tactics has faded over the last ten years...
As a teenager, I got very into the Games Workshop hobby, where people move small plastic and metal models around on a tabletop and enact battles with them, using dice and a bewildering variety of statistics to determine the outcomes. I'm not sure if this was because I was already a geek, or whether this was partially responsible for turning me into a geek. Since I'd read Lord of the Rings by the time I was nine, I suspect it was the former.
When I came to University in Nottingham, where Games Workshop is based, I stopped playing. I couldn't find anybody to play against. Weird, huh? Well, not really. The games nights that the local stores ran were on Tuesdays, and every Tuesday WITHOUT FAIL I went out to Rock City with my friends. I was not enough of a geek to sacrifice Crash in The Rig and The Basement for the hobby, so when my attempt to gain employment at a store failed, I effectively abandoned the hobby as none of my Nottingham acquaintances played.
Fast forward from 2001 to 2011. I haven't played anything Games Workshop-related for ten years. I'm twenty-nine, married, own my own home, I work in a homeless hostel, I'm in two bands and I've written three novels. My time is very nicely filled... and then I find out that Magic Tom, bassist in one of my bands and someone whom I am glad to say I've got to know much better over the last eight months or so, has joined a Necromunda campaign.
Necromunda was always my favourite game. Based around the Warhammer 40,000 rule system of combat in the far future, it is a small scale game of gang warfare based in the 'Underhive', a derelict and lawless place in the massive lower levels of an enormous self-contained city. It's personalised, and if you fight in a campaign then your gang gets better (or more injured) as you go on, allowing them to really develop a character of their own. The number of models you need is small and the games can be done relatively quickly. This was the hook that dragged me back in. I doubt I'll ever commit to the painting and financial commitment of one of the big games again, but give me a chance to break out my old models and give them some new names...
First, I needed to choose a House. I chose Delaques - pasty-skinned, hate bright light and wear trenchcoats. Basically, they're House Goth (except that they're bald instead of having long, flowing hair). Since all my gang members needed a name I named them after action movie stars and hey presto! The Last Action Heroes were born. Led up by Harrison (Ford) and with Arnie packing the heavy weaponry, the rest of the gang consisted of Bruce (Willis), Jackie (Chan), Jean-Claude (Van Damme), Sly (Stallone), Dwayne ("The Rock" Johnson) and Vin (Diesel) as gangers, and two juves, Shia (LeBouf) and Jet (Li).
It's Tuesday evening. Magic Tom has invited me to Bugman's Bar, the Games Workshop bar-cum-gaming room where the campaign is running. It's been running for a while already, so there are some big gangs about: if I fight one of them I'll likely get badly shot up, but on the upside I'll get massive experience bonuses meaning that my gang members get better much quicker than usual. However, Tom has said that my first fight can be against him, an Escher (all-female House) gang with only two fights under their belt. Although they'll be better than mine, they won't be *much* better. Now, to find out if my ability to roll dice and use tactics has faded over the last ten years...
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